I've managed, with Danean's help, to get some sort of bag packed. To be honest I don't even know what's in it. I've thrown on the same clothes from the night before... I don't remember a lot. I remember very clearly wondering how to turn of the tears, they just keep coming, even when I'm not crying, there are tears, rivers and rivers of tears. I remember thinking there was a vice grip around my chest, it was closed so tight I couldn't breath. Short shallow gasps most of the time.
We get to the airport, get me checked in and say goodbye. I've managed to stop the tears for a moment. Hug Ian, Hug Danean, and as she holds me tight I melt in to her arms and cry and tell her, 'I never thought either of us would have to do it but I need you to make that call'.
I love Danean, from the first moment we met in college we were inseparable. It was an odd mix really, I was married with 3 little children and she was young and carefree. But over the last 15 or so years we have seen each other through the highest high's and the lowest lows. This was definitely the lowest of the lows. I can't help but wonder what power in the universe made it so that she was with me when I needed her the most. It was only planned a few days in advance. And the night before we were talking about the phone calls we hoped we would never have to make for each other. To the one to the person that we each kept tucked away but never forgot.
The Airport is fairly quiet, I've said goodbye's and I'm going through security. As I said, I am not crying so to speak, but the tears just won't stop running in rivers. You remember the strangest things, and I remember the security lady touching my arm and handling me a box of kleenex with a look on her face that says she understands that something terrible is happening.
I'm sitting as far away from the crowd as possible, trying everything in my power to control myself - not doing very well at it - when a woman that has been walking around in circles comes to me and says, I think you need a hug. So she did, and then rambled on about 'The Word' blah blah, and I'm thinking to myself, don't get me started, I am not really happy with God right now.
I let everyone board before me and as I am in line to walk on the plan a man says to me, 'You must have had to say goodbye to someone awefully special', I briefly explain the situation and he proceeds to tell me that he just went through the same thing with his son, broken neck, broken back, that the U of A hospital is the best...... I wonder again, why is a man that has just gone through the same sort of thing that I am going through on the same plane as I am, and what possessed me to tell him what was happening. To give me hope?
He's not a puddle so maybe if the river of tears stopped for him, the river of tears will stop for me one day?
I get to Calgary and have a wait until my flight to Edmonton, I phone Andre. He was my daughters step dad for a long time and they had a close relationship and have always stayed in touch. I know he would want to know. What a message to have to leave on Thanskgiving. I know he called me back, he was going to come and get me from the Calgary airport and drive me to Ednomonton. But the flight was boarding so he came to the hospital a few days later. I also phone Michele, one of my other dearest friends in Red Deer, again - what a message to have to leave on Thanksgiving.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity I arrive at the Edmonton airport I have told everyone that I am renting a car, I need a car, for what purpose really I have no idea, in my condition driving should be the last thing I'm doing. I don't even know where the hospital is, but I need my own car, I can't be trapped. Dependent. I don't know what I was thinking. I check my VM and Michele has called telling me that she is out front waiting for me. OK maybe I don't need a car quite yet. As I'm coming out or the arrivals area to the baggage claim I am looking a 3 people standing there and I think to myself, wow, that looks just like my brother and sister and tanya and I turn to get my bags, and then these people start calling my name and I realize it IS them. I explain that Michele is outside waiting for me and that I will have to go tell her to meet us there, they tell me to go with her and get to the hospital as fast as I can and they will stay behind and get my bag. I run. Michele knows exactly where she is going because she too has had crisis in her life that required time spent at the U of A hospital. My Mom calls, the hospital and surgeons have been waiting for me to get there before they send her to surgery but they can't wait much longer. Michele drops me off at the entrance to the hospital and I run, I run as fast as I can - I see my mom at the end of the hallway waving and yelling 'Hurry, hurry!' And I run. We get to the ICU doors and I stop, try to catch my breath and at this moment I know I need to stop the tears. Big breath, go, go see my baby.
I walk into her room and her face is scraped and bruised and there is a horrible halo screwed into her head to keep her stable. I kiss her and say 'It's ok, mommy's here'. I walk out to the hall a few minutes later and colapse.
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